As I mentioned in the last post, my high school team is about to start two-a-days, which means that football season is now in effect. Not in full effect yet; that doesn’t happen until the first pre-season game. But It’s time for the real sports season to begin. And if it’s football season, that means it’s time to start talkin about the Eagles in earnest.

So once again, I’m callin for the NFC East to break down like this:

Eagles - 11-5
Cowboys 10-6
Giants - 10-6
R*s - 8-8.

I really don’t fool with too many other divisions like that, but since the AFC North now has 3 Black coaches, I’ll mess with them too.

Bengals - 12-4
Steelers - 11-5
Ravens 10-6
Browns - 7-9

Looking at that Bengals pick, particularly with a 12-4, I’m asking my own self if I’m high on crack, but something’s telling me this could be a breakout year for them. If they stay out of legal trouble, there might be some big doings down in Cinci. The Steelers pick is risky too. It all depends on how soon the players buy into Coach Tomlin’s system and how Roethlisberger responds to having a more open offense to run. Either way, I can see the division not being decided until the last week of the season.

The NFC East, on the other hand, belongs to the Eagles. I’m expecting the Brokebacks to finish stronger than they did last year, but I’m also not expecting the Birds to lose on another 60+ yard field goal. The new defensive schemes in Dallas are cause for concern, but I’ve got confidence. Especially if Andy Reid and Marty Mornigwheg actually learned something while Jeff Garcia was in there - namely, the running game can be effective for the Eagles too. If they can get to about a 53-47 balance with passing to running (and if Donovan and Westbrook stay healthy), it could be a pleasant fall. And winter. But the window is closing.

In the few minutes that I have before two-a-days start, I may do some real research into single-sex schools. Being in the middle of the action, it seems clear to me that a lot of our kids need some addition by subtraction. In this case, the subtraction of the distraction of attraction. Now, do I think that single-sex education is necessary in every case? Not at all. And maybe it’s not even the ideal way to educate most students. Even if that’s true, though, for many Black kids, we’re not at the point where we can afford to talk about ideal methods. We’re at straight-up crisis stage. I know. I see ‘em every day. And the skill levels are…well, it’s a crisis.

Even as I think through this, I know that there are some feminist organizations that would have a problem with single-sex public schools because of the spectre of segregation, but I think that’s looking at things through some idyllic lens rather than looking at what’s really going on down here on the ground. Statistically speaking, using DC, because that’s the district I know best, girls are more likely to graduate high school and several times more likely to graduate college than boys. Frankly, I think that single-sex ed wouldn’t be harmful to girls either, but it’s clear that the boys need some help. And again, it’s not about whether this is ideal. Maybe it is the best way, maybe it’s not. But what I know for sure is that with the numbers being what they are, there should be absolutely no potential solution that’s not on the table. Better to try something that may work than to keep slogging through with what’s not working.

But like I said, this is all off the top of my head, before I’ve done a shred of research. If the evidence tells me something different, I’ll follow, but it would have to be really convincing.

It’s summer, which means that I’m back developing a whole new appreciation for Songs In The Key of Life. Again. Of course, it goes without saying that As is, without question, the crown jewel of that collection, but SitKoL is such a comprehensively superior album, almost every song on there is an all-time beast. The song that’s got me all geeked up these days is the sublime, Summmer Soft.

As I said when I wrote about this album before, I grew up hearing SitKoL, so as a result I don’t think I really appreciated how good an album it is until I got older. That’s partially why I think the lack of a generation gap is particularly troublesome in terms of musical quality. Part of growing older and listening to grown folks’ music is that I can come to a more nuanced understanding of what the artist was talking about when my life experience has grown. No disrespect to Cube, but in trying to keep his record career focused on the “reality” of the streets, he’s neglecting the reality of the thirty-plus former hardheads who have, by one means or another, gotten themselves together. Or the reality of cats who were around the action, but not really a part of it. Which is his real story - and mine. That little parenthetical aside, because I’m better able to understand the situations Stevie’s describing as I get older, both in terms of lived experience and comprehension of literary devices, every time I hear Summer Soft, I get more and more floored.

First of all, let’s talk personification. Nothing heavy-handed enough to get into allegory, just simple assignment of human characteristics to a season. The thing is, it’s done with such care, you get the impression that it could be allegorical. Is it about the changing of the seasons, or is it about losing a loved one in one of the transitional seasons? Or is it about waking up one day to find that things have transitioned? In any case, there’s no question that it represents excellent writing — the type of writing that I, as an English teacher, get very excited about.

But then, Summer Soft is not a poem. It’s unquestionably poetic, but it’s a song. Which means that the music and the singing is a factor. But of course, this is early 70’s Stevie, so it goes without saying that those are on point. What I really like is the contrast between the quiet beginning of the song and the repetition of the chorus(es) in ascending keys at the end. Oh. And that line, “taking with her summer’s play” at the end of the first verse. That line, particularly the way he sang it, almost made me hate fall. Almost. Football kept that from happening.

At any rate, rather than talk about it, let’s have Summer Soft.

UPDATE

A Summer Soft story…

One time, I was at my then-girlfriend’s apartment, blasting Summer Soft as we were about to leave. The upstairs neighbor was on her way out the door too. When it got to the end when Stevie’s like, “na-na-naa-naaa-naaaa! WHOOO!!” the neighbor joined right in with him, as loud as she wanted to be.

Kashmere - Kashmere Stage Band
One Monkey Don’t Stop No Show - Joe Tex
Get The Funk Out Ma Face - Brothers Johnson
No Rump To Bump - Parlet
Public Service Announcement - Jay-Z
Come On Down - Big Daddy Kane, f. Q-Tip, Busta Rhymes
Funky Robot - Rufus Thomas
Ooh Ooh..! - The Woo Woos
Blues for Brother George Jackson - Archie Shepp
Jamming - Bob Marley & The Wailers
Know That - Mos Def, f. Talib Kweli
Church - Outkast
Done Did It - Kierra “Kiki” Sheard
Rocket Love - Stevie Wonder
Seven Days - Sting
Back To The Scene of the Bass - Terminator X
Contents Unda Pressure - The Alkaholiks
Summer Soft - Stevie Wonder

The internet is abuzz with the “revelation” that Aquafina and Dasani are tap water.

I thought that was common knowledge. The label says “purified.” Maybe it’s not written out in so many words, but if it was spring water, it would say spring water.

*shrugs*

Maybe it’s because there’s such a thing as a gay rights movement, which makes me more aware of these things, or maybe I would’ve put two and two together eventually anyway, but when I watch dudes on the old Soul Train videos these days, some of those cats be lookin’ miiiighty suspect. As in, how did I NOT think something? But then too, there’s the fact that when those clips were originally aired, I had no concept of homosexuality.

For instance, check out the dude (the one on the right) in the second couple.

For some reason, I don’t think that was his date.

I’m reading over some old posts and I’m just now realizing how often I use the phrase, “…but, and this is a sofa…” without considering that most people probably have no frame of reference. To remedy that, I’m gonna run the post from which that reference comes, written in August, 2004.

I got ambushed. There I was, minding my own business when I got sidetracked by this article on white girls with butts. I’ve been trying and trying and trying to avoid writing about this, but at this point, it’s out of my hands. I’ve been provoked.

Now in order to properly discuss this, I have to break out the seating chart I devised a few years ago. Inspired by the lyric from the James Brown song, I’m a Greedy Man, where he goes, “You got to have somethin’ to sit on/ before I carry you home” I came up with the following schedule for butt sizes:

-Bar Stool
-Folding Chair
-Banquet Chair
-Easy Chair
-Love Seat
-Sofa
-Park Bench

Now let’ break this down. A bar stool has no cushioning and barely enough seating to get comfortable. A folding chair, while having no cushioning provides better coverage and support. A banquet chair is like a folding chair with cushioning. Everything from the easy chair to the sofa is similar, differing only in literal size. A Park Bench is simply too much. So draw your parallels. I don’t do pictures or graphic physical descriptions because even with a scale and objective-sounding names(or maybe just objectifying), it’s still a matter of taste. What’s a Love Seat to me might be an Easy Chair to one of my friends. (The beauty of this scale is the limitless number of iterations.)

First thing to point out is that in general discussions, women tend to have no understanding of what’s important. Because clothing makers use ‘hips’ as a measurement, they tend to think that that’s what guys are checking for. And to tell the truth, there may be some guys for whom the shape of the hips is the most important thing. I don’t know any of them, though. It’s all about the cheek. And again, there are definitely varying opinions on this, but for my use of the above terms, the differentiation is based on the amount of retro-protrusion. Wide is one thing. Fully-packed is something altogether different. Moreover, wasit-to-cheek ratio plays an important role in determining a place on the seating chart. Even if a chick had what would qualify as a sofa, if that midriff ain’t together, then her overall rating goes down. But that’s just me. I know one of my boys, he likes them big jawns, so again, his scale would be totally different than mine.

So when it comes to white girls with butts, the first thing to understand is that most white girls fall somewhere around a folding chair. Occasionally you may see a Bar Stool, who looks like she just has a very long back, but that’s infrequent. For the most part, there’s a little shape and a little protrusion, but not much. The average Black dude would call that having no butt. (The Bar Stool is nearly concave.) But like I said, white girls have been coming up. Only thing is, people are blowing it out of proportion. The grading is curved. (no pun intended) There has been an increase in the number of Banquet Chair Beckys, and every once in a while…verrrry rarely…you might see an Easy Chair Becky, but that’s about as far as it goes. Love Seats and Sofas? No.

What’s interesting to me is that the celebrity who brought the mainstream’s attention southward was Jennifer Lopez. I think she really started to get noticed when she played all those roles where she was a dark-complected white chick, so people started to think it was okay. Black women have always been packin’. (Not that there aren’t Folding Chair Rasheedas out there…)J-Lo got a nice Easy Chair, maybe edging into semi-Love Seat-ness, but that’s about it. For sure, she ain’t got no Sofa. Serena got a Sofa.

Another thing to mention here is that it’s important to differentiate between that which God made and that which clothing makes to appear. It’s time out for some of these fashions, because people just don’t know what they’re doing. A woman with anything less than an Easy Chair has no business wearing pants with writing across the back. Maybe I’m wrong for saying it, so if need be I’ll get some woman I know to come and cosign, but truth is truth. Last spring I mentioned the girl who was walking around in some sweatpants that said ‘Net’ across the back. They were really supposed to spell ‘Northeast.’ The converse is true as well. I’ve seen chicks with Park Benches out there stretching ‘BVD’ to ‘Boulevard.’ Certain things just ought not be, my friends.

Of course, the key to all this is that every woman must be convinced of her own attractiveness in her own mind. It doesn’t matter what standard of beauty the mass media projects if a woman is comfortable in her own skin. Being comfortable in your skin doesn’t necessarily mean showing as much of it as possible, however. If she reeealllly got a Sofa, she won’t need to wear hip-huggers to show it off. That mug would be recognizable through sweatpants.

But then to take it beyond the physical a little, it’s all about confidence anyway. I won’t argue that some women wear revealing clothes because they are confident in their looks, but I’d be willing to bet that more dress that way because deep down they are uncomfortable with themselves and want attention from dudes to give them some validation. My thinking here is that if a woman is really comfortable with herself, she’ll dress more-or-less appropriately for her body-type. And I recognize that the whole concept of “appropriate” in this is problematic. What I think displays good fashion sense may be altogether different than her perception. But if you think about it, it’s not that people are coming from left-field and trying to make a new style, it’s that they’re trying to dress like they’re built one way when they’re not. I make the parallel of guys going to the gym and trying to lift to look impressive instead of lifting for what their body is actually capable of. The person who knows his body and isn’t ashamed will get on the bench and lift that “wimp” looking weight because it’s not about the appearance of being strong it’s about actually getting strong. Same thing here. It’s not about putting on the appearance of sexiness, it’s about being it and letting it exude through whatever outfit she’s wearing. I know. I’ve seen women in suits who would turn my head before 93% of these chicks out here wearing next-to-nothing.

By the way, ‘callipygous’ is only my favorite word. It means ‘having pleasantly shaped buttocks.’

If you can’t braid it, best thing to do is fade it (c) Phife

There are things I believe and things I know. Like, I believe that gravity keeps people on the Earth and the Earth in orbit around the sun. I believe that water is made up of molecules with two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen. I believe that fat meat is greasy. On the other hand, I KNOW that if you want some real trouble - not no for-play stuff, I’m talmbout sho’ nuff trouble - mess with a Black woman’s hair, either figuratively or literally. Actually, don’t. Even if you are lookin for trouble. Cuz that’s almost guaranteed to be more trouble than you’re lookin for.

Anyway, I’m disregarding my own advice and publicly wondering, what’s the deal with all these weaves? I’m sayin - I know my own perspective is probably shaped by the fact that my mother has worn her hair natural for years and years, but that’s only part of it. See me, I don’t really care what it looks like, as long as it’s what’s growing out of the woman’s head. Anything from close-cropped to that “righteous moss” they be talkin about in Zora Neale Hurston, it’s all alright with me. Weaves and wigs, though? Not so much.

What brings this to mind is an article in the Philly Inquirer about the newest trend in bionic hair, the lace-front wig.

Lace-front wigs are the next “miracle product” designed to give black women what society tells them (and what many now believe) is perfect hair. Meaning, long and straight.

The fad started with transvestite RuPaul almost a decade ago. Within the last five years, many silky-maned black celebrities, from Halle Berry to Vivica Fox, began wearing the wigs.

The lace-front wigs grew in popularity mainly because they give the impression that the wearer’s hair is growing directly from the scalp. So once the wig is fastened securely around the hairline, a woman can part her hair or pull it up into a ponytail without fear of exposing indentations where the hair has been sewn or glued in (otherwise known as tracks).

“It just affords me more options,” said Andrea Wright, 42, as she sat in Lisa Johnson’s chair at the Wyndmoor salon Shapes -N- More.

Wright, an event planner who lives in Mount Airy, walked into the shop sporting a short, relaxed style. She walked out with straight dark brown hair that fell well below her shoulder. Her face was framed with soft curls.

“This is so nice. It’s not so severe a look for me. I can put it in a ponytail and still feel professional … feminine.”

When lace-front wigs first hit the scene, they cost anywhere from $5,000 to $25,000 because they looked so real. But these days, the wigs, most made from human hair, can be found for $300 to $1,000. There are demonstrations on YouTube.com that show people how to apply the wigs themselves and Web sites that tell people where to find them.

I really didn’t need all that, i just wanted to get down to the price. $300 to a grand? A KILODOLLAR?! FOR A WEAVE?! Let me slow down.

Now, one thing I’m noticing in this article is the inherent critique of the style, noting that it stems from the desire to have some other type of hair. Specifically, hair that more closely aligns with Western standards of beauty. That is to say, white people’s hair. (But it really ain’t just white people’s hair - it’s every race’s but ours.) I think the critique is valid. For as much “flexibility” as the weave provides, and I do not question that it does provide some options in terms of how a woman wants wear her hair on a given day, I think it’s still more about the hair texture than anything else. As the one woman said, having the weave made her feel “feminine.”

At the same time, I don’t really have a problem with women using straightening products. We all know permanents are temporary; Mother Africa is gonna win in the end, so I don’t sweat that. Cuz that, to me, is about options. That’s taking what’s there and altering it. My beef with wigs and weaves is that they’re add-ons. It’s not just changing the style, though, it’s creating an illusion. One of my personal mottoes is “It is what it is.” But with wigs and weaves, it is what it ain’t.

Yesterday was my first-ever stint on the radio. I’d give myself about 12 points, 7 rebounds. That is to say, I didn’t embarrass myself at all, but I would like to have come a lot stronger. As one of my friends said, I didn’t even drop any classic “Tooleyisms.” Not one metaphor, nothin. You know, it would’ve been nice to drop somethin like 25 and 13. But if I get another chance, I’m gon’ REALLY come strong. There’s not gonna be any question that it was me on the radio - or at least the people who know me aren’t gonna be like, “That was you?”

At any rate, one of the topics we discussed was the “We Gotta Do Better” show, formerly known as Hot Ghetto Mess. Because I was a little nervous and playing it cool, I didn’t really get loose. And I know I get a late pass for this, but still. I’m slappin down my late pass and representin all over the place.

While I can comprehend the consternation behind the concept of the show, I can’t co-sign. Okay, yeah, the images are unflattering. And yeah, there might be some power issues in terms of who’s behind the camera and ostensibly poking fun at whom. But you know what? Where I’m from, once you put yourself out there, you get what you get. A prom tux made of an Iverson jersey? That’s putting yourself out there. Let me draw you a parallel.

I’ve been workin out this summer. Put on a few pounds too, but not exactly the way I wanted to. My initial plan was to drop down to swell up. Instead, I put on some weight without really getting the cuts I wanted. To remedy that, I’ve been running regularly. Since I’m trying to cut weight and I know that the majority of body heat exits through the head, I almost always wear a knit hat when I run. Along with the hat, I generally go with at least 2 layers, with the top layer being a long-sleeved shirt. All that to say, I know that when I’m running, I look ridiculous. Especially when I’m all kitted up like that and it’s about 93 degrees. I don’t do it for the attention, but I know I draw attention to myself and I’m sure that people who see me think I must be more than a li’l bit crazy. So if the camera crew for WGTDB rolled up on me, I assume that they would at least consider taking a picture of me. Ridicule is the price for looking ridiculous.

But my example fails at one point: while I look patently crazy when I go out to run, I’m not going out with the intent to be seen. A prom tux is made to be seen. Especially when we talk about posing for portraits, which is where many of the pictures on the website come from. That’s just asking to get joned on. Naw. Really, it’s demanding it. And me personally? I don’t mind it if people oblige. After all, I don’t think it’s like most of us would walk by somebody who was oddly-attired without saying anything.

The whole ‘picking on the poor’ element holds no water with me for a couple reasons. First and most importantly, poverty is no exemption from personal responsibility. Meaning that with every choice, there are consequences. In this case, the significance is limited, but if you go out tacky, people are gonna jone. Simple as that. That’s not about being poor, that’s just the way life is. Is it possible to derive some larger sociological point from this? Yup. Is it necessarily accurate? Nope.

Which leads to my second point. If my poverty is my defense, then wouldn’t I exempt myself by spending big money to be ostentatiously tacky? An NBA jersey tuxedo, though? For real? And yeah, fashion is relative, but come on. When I look at the people on the HGM website, the way I cringe at them is no different than the way I cringe at pictures of myself from back in the day. (Well, not really, cuz I was never all that close to the curve on fashion. My moms wasn’t goin for all that. You know I never even got to have a pair of parachute pants? Back then I thought she was tryina kill me, but I don’t mind it so much now.)

Of course, with all that, in the Bible it says, “What does a poor man gain by knowing how to conduct himself before others?” so I guess it’s all vanity.

Spanish Grease - Willie Bobo
Blacks and Blues - Bobbi Humphrey
Kashmir - Led Zeppelin
Walk Tall - Cannonball Adderley
Four On Six - Wes Montgomery
Brand New Funk - DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince
Don’t It Drive You Crazy - Pointer Sisters
Holy Thursday - David Axelrod
Blues Etude - Oscar Peterson
Spinning Wheel - Lonnie Liston Smith
Mister C - Ray Charles
I Got Plenty O’ Nothin’ - Louis Armstrong, f. Ella Fitzgerald
All That Meat And No Potatoes - Fats Waller
Allure - Jay-Z
Glooty-Us-Maximus - Digital Underground
Funky Women - Maceo & All The King’s Men
Bold Soul Sister - Ike & Tina Turner